A more serious post...

College was one of the most tumultuous times of my life. It's not like I didn't walk away with some great memories, but I look back at college and think of the battle that I had with God. For those of you who are used to Noah posts, allow me one indulgence: a deep post. This might be the most important post I've ever written.
You see, in college, I remember struggling with the idea of a safe and loving God. I had difficulties in my mind reconciling the God of my "youth" and childhood with the God that I grew to know in college. This "college" God allowed wars, painful break-ups that unearthed some of my painful insecurities, planes flying into buildings and the like. How is that the picture of a loving Father? How is pain related to love? How is God's goodness evident in times like this? Mostly, how can anyone consider this God a safe God? These were major crises, not just the growing pains of day-to-day living. I was having what Mr. Blackaby would call a 'crisis of belief'.
Today I was reading in Exodus about when God splits the Red Sea (via Moses) for the Israelites to walk across to escape from the Egyptians. I've always thought of this as a great story; God saves the day and the Israelites, God's chosen people, rejoice. He's rescued them, just as He said He would. I mean, He parted a body of water so completely that these people walked through walls of water on dry land! But today, I saw the other side to the story; I kept reading. You see, after the Israelites cross over the Red Sea, God calls Moses to raise his staff and allow the waters of the RED SEA to completely evelop the Egyptians, who had chased after the Israelites on that dry land between the glassy walls of water. This isn't a pond or a lake; it's a deep sea that thousands of people have just passed through safely, yet the Egyptians all lost their lives to the very same waters God held at bay for the Israelites. Yes, they were evil. Yes, they did horrible things. Yes, they killed and abused and had hard hearts. But, those soldiers who were killed were fathers, sons and husbands. They were men who had children at home wondering where their daddies were. They had wives who depended on them to live. And God, the loving Father, told Moses to kill them. This is the God I worship.
To some of you, it might sound that I'm having doubts about the God I know and love. To you I would say, don't worry. I still love God, still go to church on Sunday and am thankful to be considered one of His children. Yes, even the God that told Moses to do something that would kill thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of men. This was my struggle in college, and it all came back to me yesterday when a pastor at my church said that God is safe. I don't know about you, but the God that I serve isn't safe. He could allow something the next instant that could end the earth. This God isn't safe, not in the way we think of the word safe. But he's trustworthy. He's righteous, He's holy and He's divine. John Piper said in his book The Pleasures of God that, "God will not turn away from doing you good. He will keep on doing good. He doesn't do good to his children sometimes and bad to them other times....When things are going bad that does not mean that God has stopped doing good. It means he is shifting the things around to get them in place for more good, if you go on loving Him." I think he's on to something. I've spent my entire Christian life focused on the good that God did for the Israelites that I didn't even think about the Egyptians. For those of you who would argue with me that God doesn't cause bad things, I would tell you to think of yourself as an Egyptian wife or mother in that day; really try to picture it. God's done an amazing thing...that caused the death of your son or your husband or your father. It's horrible, yet it was their reality.
When I was growing up and my mom and I had deep discussions about Christians vs non-Christians, she used to tell me about a fiction novel that she read that put the pain of the Noah's Arc story (one that's dear to my heart) into real focus. In this novel, the water of the flood is starting to rise and all of the friends that she knows are going to die are banging on the doors of the arc, crying out for her to open the door and rescue them. But they died. Can you imagine being the woman who had to listen to your friends crying out for help, knowing they're going to die, and that you're safe? I can't. But, I know this: the very same God that listened to the wailing of the Egyptians and to the cries of the people who drowned in the flood is the same God who listened to the pleas of his own Son on a cross so that I could live. Why me? I have no idea; I am the chief of sinners. There's very few sins I can think of that I'm not guilty of. So, why me? If He didn't love me...why would He do that?
Here's the part I can't reconcile: the very same God that the Israelites were praising was weeping with the Egyptian women and was cradling Mrs. Noah in the palm of His very large, capable hands. How does that work? I have no idea.
If this God exists (and I believe He does) I want to be the one who's safe. I want to be in the Israelite camp, praising His name and praying for the Egyptian families who lost loved ones. I want to be the one, though, that stands at the edge of the Red Sea and mourns for the lost. I believe that the person who mourns the lost has a deeper understanding of the life he's been given, and I want to know the depth of that understanding. God is the one who allows me to live; He lets me breathe in and out every breath. He is the author and creator of life and only he knows my days. Lord, teach me to treasure each one, and thanks to people who are willing live life in such a way that they hold loosely to this one and greatly anticipate the next one. Lord, let me live in such a way that honors you, fears you and glorifies you. Amen.